On the Road to Being a Martyr
by jinxedblackbird
Summary: As her slumped figure tread down the stairs of the bus and pushed open the door, he couldn't help but wonder if this would be the last time he'll ever see her. Set after that dreadful bus ride in 3x19. Literati One-Shot. Mostly a lot of Jess moping.


As her slumped figure tread down the stairs of the bus and pushed open the door, he couldn't help but wonder if this would be the last time he'll ever see her.

The door closed and the bus roared back to life, signalling his departure from Stars Hollow once and for all. He glanced out the window, secretly hoping that she'll look up just so he could see her blue sapphire eyes once more. When she didn't, he felt relief. He knew that if he did see her eyes, they'd be filled with nothing but disappointment.

Disappointment of him.

His mind flashed back to just a few days ago, outside her front porch, when he promised her he'd take her to prom, no matter what. He mentally kicked himself for having made another promise he couldn't keep.

How could he be so stupid? What kind of idiot flunks out of high school? Stars Hollow High, for that matter. Not for the first time, humiliation and regret seeps through the hidden reserves of his mind and into his bones. He buries his face in his hands, at last realizing just how much of a screw-up he's become.

It wasn't like this was a surprise, after all. He never had any intentions to go to college, and barely ever went to school back in New York. The only reason he agreed to go back to school was so Luke can let him stay in Stars Hollow. And the reason he wanted to stay in that hell-mouth of a town was, well, her.

The thought of her brings forth a fresh wave of pain. He looked out the window once more, knowing that it'd be too late. He'd never see her again.

More than anything else – school, his mom, Luke, himself – he hated disappointing her. Her beautiful blue eyes were always a deep ocean of emotions, reflecting everything she felt, including ones that she didn't know she was feeling. But on that bus, for the first time, he saw her trying to shield her emotions from him. He saw her head bend down and a cloud of faltering indifference shield her irises. It was fleeting, and he hated it.

He hated the thought of hurting her. The thought of anything other than joy, wit, and child-like wonder flashing in her eyes. He hated seeing betrayal and regret in her expression, but far more so, he hated that she felt the need to hide it from him.

And right then, he confirmed something that he's known for a very, very long time. Something he's known ever since he laid eyes on her in her bedroom that first night in Stars Hollow. Something he knew even as he shamelessly flirted with her, pushed her buttons just so she'd push back so he could see how far he could go. Something he knew but tried to deny throughout their relatively brief, tumultuous, but ultimately infinitely rewarding relationship.

He needed to stay away from her.

He loved her; every fibre of his being knew that he was completely irrevocably in love with her. Yet he didn't know how to love. Having never been taught or shown affection during his 18 years of life, the concept of love has always been an unreachable thought, supressed in the deep trenches of his mind under layers of resentment, hatred, and neglect. Layers that burdened him, layers that weighed tons on his shoulders and sometimes crippled him to the point where he finds it hard to stand. Yet she, as scrawny as a bird, somehow seemed to have effortlessly lifted this massive weight off of him. The first time he saw her smile was a revelation. For the first time in his life, his lungs seemed to be functioning properly. He felt oxygen rejuvenating his entire body, awakening a part of him that was long dead, if not never alive to begin with. The feeling of her lips on his, even for a moment, brings upon an euphoria incomparable to a thousand Hemingway novels and lit cigarettes. Before he was dumped in that squeaky clean town, he and his buddies in New York used to skip school and get high in a liquor store parking lot, yet he doesn't think he's ever truly been high until the day of Sookie's wedding when she kissed him and opened up his mind to a whole new level of existence.

He couldn't believe that he ever wanted more from her. He couldn't believe that he thought he _deserved _more from her.

He was a fool. He was a fool for wanting her, for intruding into her picture perfect life knowing that he'd inevitably leave behind an ugly scar. He was also a fool for not doing everything in his power to keep her. He was a fool for not living up to her expectations, and a fool for meeting everyone else's.

The ticket he bought led straight to Venice beach, California, but in truth he had no clue where his destination lies. He spent an entire year fumbling around in Stars Hollow, living for nothing but punk music and her smile and now he's landed back at exactly the same place he was before he stepped foot in Stars Hollow; without a goal, without a family, without a future and most importantly, without _her. _

Somehow, it feels so much shittier this time.

Not for the first time in his life, he felt purposeless. But for the first time, he _despised _it. Maybe it's because he's spent far too much time with Rory, always bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, but for once his whenever-whatever attitude bothered him beyond belief. Why couldn't he get his life together? Why can't he stop being a failure? Why can't he stop causing pain? What's so hard about doing the right thing by someone you love?

It suddenly dawned on him that he _was _doing right by her. Somewhere in the back of his mind he began to treat himself as a martyr, almost a hero, but not quite. All those words from Luke and Lorelai came rushing back, screaming in his head, telling him that she's better off without him, that she's too good for him, and that he was going to hurt her sooner or later.

_This is the right thing, _he thought, _for once, I'm doing the right thing. _

He expected the thought to comfort him, but the soothing never came. Instead, for the millionth time he tried to bury his feelings by burying his head in a book. After a while, he began to think that it was working, until he realized that he's been re-reading the same paragraph for the last 17 stops.


End file.
